Mental Health Monday

What do we need from you.

Talking openly about mental health still feels strange to me. Especially as it's my own. I've buried it for a long time, not really discussed it with my parents even. I've felt that if I stay quiet about it and deal with it on my own then it will go away before I draw attention to myself. I appreciate now that this probably isn't the best way to deal with it. I'm learning new methods and new ways to communicate these thoughts and emotions in a way that's helpful. I'm also going to blog about it because I found it reassuring when I read about other people's experiences. I realised I wasn't the only one and my situation wasn't unusual for a person who suffers with anxiety and depression. I wasn't alone.

I'll start by pointing out that my experiences and my coping methods aren't the only ones, they are just what I have gone through and what I find works. I'm going to try and see if my friends who have been through similar things agree with me or think differently. I'll update this post if they're happy for me to write up their responses.

For me anxiety rolls through in several stages. The most basic is just a feeling that something bad is going to happen. Couldn't tell you what or when, just a small weight that sits in my chest and makes me feel uneasy. This can last a minute, an hour, a day, it's hard to say because by the time I've noticed it's gone, it's probably been gone for  while. This is most likely because of the way I deal with it. I do a mental check, can I associate it with anything in particular? If yes then I try to deal with why and if not I tell myself it's just going to be an anxious day and get on with it. I go about my life as I normally would. I limit the amount of stress inducing things or things I know make me anxious. I deliberately slow myself down and take things at a slower pace. That way I can keep in top of my thoughts and emotions. I tend to be quieter on these days as I withdraw to keep the anxiety inducing things to a minimum. Depending on how bad the anxiety is sometimes I can get overwhelmed by simple things such as sounds and smells. It's too much for my brain to process at once. I tend to spend more time on my own as well. With this stage I find it's just a matter of being distracted and riding it out. For this type of anxiety there's not really much anyone can offer as help. Don't bring it up or remind me. Asking me how I'm feeling only makes me think about the anxiety I felt and can undo the work I've done. Just go with my flow and offer distractions. Funny things are always a winner. If you can get me laughing then it's all good.

The next stage for me is when I let the anxiety start to overwhelm me. I get agitated. Can't sit still, my words come out wrong, literally jumbled up or spoken incorrectly. In extreme cases I start to lisp or can't even get my words out at all. I might talk louder without realising it and miss social ques even. I also get really hot and start to stress sweat which makes me more stressed. Good times. This all happens when my brain is trying to process too much at once. Or worry about too much at once. There's not one thing that wrong, there's a fee things at once. It's also normally triggered by my over thinking. Did I just say the wrong thing, did I do something wrong, oh no I'm expected to do something I haven't prepared for. In most circumstances I'm getting pretty good at stopping this type of anxiety. I catch myself falling into this feeling and I distract myself. If I'm at work I focus on a task and stick with it and when that's done if I still feel things spiralling then I move on to the next task. If that's not enough I will remove myself from the situation if I can. Again it's another one of those things where I've calmed down before I've realised I'm calming down. Again with this one help from others is just to take my mind off what's causing the anxiety. Reassurance doesn't really help if I'm honest. I don't need to be told that it's all ok. I know that, I just need to break a physical reaction to my brains reaction. So taking my mind off it really helps. I need to be tricked into it though. If I know that's why you've changed the subject it won't work. My anxiety is too smart for that.

All of these stages have various levels of severity for me. They're on a sliding scale and can over lap at times.

The final is probably the hardest to write about as it's the most personal for me. At this point I've lost control of my emotions and my thought processes. This scares me. At this point I've spiralled and rational thoughts aren't a thing I recognise anymore. It's not until I'm out the other side can I realise that what I was thinking and the way I was thinking wasn't normal. Everything is too much to deal with. I can force myself to do normal things like go to work but I'm just following a routine. Get up, go to work, go to bed. I can't cope with social interaction. It's too much to deal with, having to participate in conversation is too much. So I don't. I spend a lot of time on my own, being quiet, as at this point sounds, smells, tastes all the senses are too much. I don't really eat. I eat because I know I should, not because I want it and I have to be completely exhausted to be able to sleep. Initially there's nothing I have found that helps. Just being left alone to process my thoughts until I can cope with conversation. At first I find texting easier. I don't have to answer straight away, I can write slowly. At this point I reach out to friends. Specifically Abi, poor girl has had to put up with me for years. I will most likely have the same conversation several times. I'm just trying to find answers that explain what I'm feeling. Once I'm slightly more in control of myself or at least not so manic in my thoughts and emotions I find it good to physically talk it out with someone. Sorry Abs. I've found that saying my concerns or thoughts out loud allows me to hear how crazy it sounds. Like when a joke is much funnier in your head but then you say it out loud and realise it's not funny. 

I've not really experienced this extreme manic stage much but so far I would say that I need to be left alone to process. Let me know you're there if I need you and I'll come to you when I'm ready. Distractions won't work at this point. I'm so wrapped up in my head that I can't take adding anything else. 

I've been writing for an hour and I don't feel I've done enough or covered it well enough. There are bits I'm not ready to go into and generally too much to cover so I'm leaving it for another day. 

My advice from my experience is that healthy distractions are good. Talking about it when you need to is a must and writing you're thoughts down is a great way of taking them out of your head so you can find some peace and quiet.

I hope this helps, I genuinely do.

L xx

P.s find me on Twitter @Laurenailie or Instagram, chonker-plonker for more of mine and Kelly's fitness transformation. Exercise is helping with my day to day anxiety issues.