Living that positive life - Finally the pieces are falling into place.

How is it nearly June?!

Nearly half the way through the year and it might sound dramatic, but I don’t feel like the same person I was in January. I’m so much happier.

Physically I’ve lost weight and toned up some.

I’ve been going to the gym… that may have slipped a little recently, but I have been working out at home.

I’m making better food choices as well. It kills me to say it but cutting out sugar really makes a difference. I have one and half teaspoons of sugar in my tea but other than that I don’t really go for the sweet stuff. Don’t get me wrong if I want a donut, I’m having a donut. I’m just not eating an entire pack of biscuits because they taste good and I’m bored. I’m not buying the pouches of chocolate each week out of habit or getting a takeaway. I’m taking better care of my body.

The more I choose not to eat them the less I want them and the less I even think about eating them. I’ve trained my brain to where they’re not the things I want to eat. I still enjoy a packet of crisps here and there but my go to snack is actually olives and a small amount of feta cheese. I prefer savory food anyway, but my point is that I don’t go for the processed, greasy snack anymore.

It makes a great excuse to turn down food at work as well. I’m one of those weirdos that gets all anxious about having to accept food from other people. I’d much rather turn down a biscuit than have to run the obstacle course of correct food accepting etiquette. It’s sounds ridiculous but helps my waistline at least XD

I know that there is always going to be the argument that you shouldn’t feel the need to lose weight to feel good about yourself. I agree, as long as you’re healthy then you should love your body and yourself. I just personally feel better with less jiggle. I’m not model thin or anything but from the weight I’ve lost I feel so much more confident. I’m not a tall person at all, so at 5”3 I can afford to drop a few dress sizes. I don’t want to be skinny I want to be strong. That’s my goal.

While we’re talking confidence, eating better is also helping my skin. I’ve been prone to breakouts since I was a teenager and eating cleaner has helped with that too. My skin is generally fine but a childhood of feeling self-conscious about it can make the smallest red mark devastating. So, anything that can help is welcomed.

So there’s that part of my transformation. I’m not sure if the boost in my confidence has helped me feel happier or if feeling happier has boosted my confidence.

I am also making sure to not pick at my flaws. Like with my skin for example, I’m not looking at the tiny red bump that is easily coverable with make up and seeing it as the hideous life ending affliction, I feel it is. Or noticing the small belly roll I have left and letting it drag me back into hiding. I’m even consciously making sure I’m kinder to myself as I write this. I‘m deliberately describing my stomach fat as small. Every chance I can get I’m looking at it all positively and taking action where I need to.

I recently cut my hair off, up to my collar bone because I wanted the cool, wavy long bob I see cool people have. I wanted to be cool, don’t judge me.

Of course, it looks great when the hair stylist is done with it, but one wash and it looks like a frizzy bird’s nest. I’m not letting that get me down or force me to wear a hat. I’m getting my lazy butt in gear and actually learning how to style this mop. I should also stop referring to my hair as a bird’s nest / mop.  Baby steps…baby bird steps.

I’m owning my body. It’s mine and I’m proud of it. Every lump, bump, scar and tattoo. This sentiment is not something I’ve experienced before and it’s freeing. This isn’t a pity party but after years of being the nerd that was asked out as a joke throughout school and a string of exes that put my appearance as one of the reasons they wanted to break up or why they cheated, I can’t help but carry some self-esteem baggage. I have my off days stills, sometimes they are off weeks, but they’re getting less frequent as I practice being kinder to myself.

I’m learning that I can wear what I want and yes, I feel good about how I’m looking but more importantly I don’t care what anyone else thinks about it. I like it and that’s what matters to me. I genuinely mean it too. I’m never going to be the extrovert always snapping a selfie but I’m not refusing to have my picture either. So that’s progress!

While I’m practicing not being so negative to myself, I’m expanding that to my outside world. When things at my desk job aren’t so fun, ranting customers, moving goal posts, I’m not getting bogged down in it. Deep breath and let it go. It’s not worth getting annoyed about, I’m for sure not taking it home with me. I have so many things to look forward to and I don’t have any time or energy to spare on bad vibes.

Now this is the gritty bit that I find the toughest to write.

I’ve mentioned in one of my earlier posts that almost a year ago I crashed out. Fell apart. When I look back at it now it wasn’t anything terrible, just a breakup that when I look back at it I wasn’t feeling either, but it was enough that I just crumbled. There were a lot of past issues that I hadn’t dealt with and didn’t even realise were that bad. They all came erupting out and it was bad. Still not ready to write it out in black and white and give all the details but I’ve done a lot of soul searching. Unpacking why this one small thing caused a self-destruct. 

I didn’t bring it up to just tease at a story though, it’s relevant because for this past year I went through the healing process. The rage I felt towards this other person shrank to anger. I finally got to the point where I decided to let it all go and move on with my life. Past behaviors and thought patterns weren’t bringing me the life and happiness I wanted, so it was time to change. All the negative emotions released, and I wrote this other person out of my life completely. I tried my hardest to not think about them ever again. A month or so after this decision they messaged me. I tried to ignore them at first, then I wrote them angry messages. It didn’t make me feel better though. Like trying to punch in your dream. You just can’t get it to connect so you can feel it. I let that message end; they were only asking for us to be friends, but I didn’t want that. I thought I was done again and then a month or so after that he messaged me again. I realized I felt no better from being angry at him, so I tried a different tactic. I told him we could be friends; I would let him try to fix things. In my head though I was going to make him work for it, take back the control. I made every conversation as difficult as possible. I still wasn’t ready. Two months after that I realised that being mean and angry wasn’t releasing anything. So I decided that I would do the thing that I swore I would never do again and I messaged this guy and apologised. I told him I was sorry because I said I would give him a chance and I didn’t. Since then we have talked face to face and I told him exactly how I felt. I didn’t shout, I wasn’t angry about it, I’ve processed this a lot, for the whole year, and practiced the things that I wanted to tell him. I didn’t hold back, and I was honest and to his credit he took it and apologised again. Long story short we’re going to work on being friends again. In no uncertain terms though I told him that if he messes up again, in any way, then I’m gone and I’m not coming back.

Again, the whole point of that waffled anecdote is that the second I got it out of my head and my heart (sorry for being cheesy) I haven’t thought about it again. I’ve released all that negativity. I haven’t felt this good in a while. I’ve untethered myself from that terrible time in my life and finally feel free to move on to the next chapter in my life. I closed out a cycle.

It’s strange, the more positive I make myself the better my life is in my eyes. I’m choosing to see the good, I do have bad days and I let myself have them, but I also try to see the silver lining in everything. It didn’t take long before I didn’t have to look for the good things, now I just see them.

I’m in this weird state where I’m happy to be me and happy to see how my life unfolds. Excited even. I’ve never felt like this.

I have the London MCM Comic Con this weekend and I’m so looking forward to it. I get to hang out with my friends and for once I’m not worried about being out of my comfort zone. I’m going to get dressed up in the costume I’ve put together and I don’t care what anyone else thinks as it’s a character I’m excited to play.

There is a lot to be said for positive thinking. Consciously looking for the good things in life. Being kinder to yourself and releasing all the negative things you’re holding on to. I’m going to continue to practice this positive thinking and being kinder and self-love. Who knows where I’ll be or how I’ll feel in another six months.

Well thank you for reading this far in my rambling! I hope you’re all happy and enjoying your life and if you’re not maybe take baby steps using the techniques I’m using. I’ve been doing this since January and I’m really seeing and feeling my perspective change.

L xx

If you enjoy my blog, then maybe go ahead and subscribe on here or leave a comment. Alternatively, you can follow me on Twitter @Laurenailie0