I'm not as bad as I thought!

The difference a few skate adjustments can make!

Recently I've felt discouraged with my Roller Derby. Like I was dropping behind everyone else, in terms of ability and skills. I've always been this way, if I'm not the best at what I'm doing then I get frustrated. It doesn't matter if I'm the worst of the best, if I'm not one of the best I feel like a failure. Derby is also one of those occasions where I find myself comparing what I'm capable of against my teammates. I'm learning how to not do that. To compare myself only to my past self and when I think back to how I was when I started 6 months ago,  I've come far. Terrified Bambi on ice was an accurate description. 

Recently though I've been struggling. I've lost my confidence with my skating abilities. I changed my wheels to softer ones and my cushions also to softer ones. 

Word of advice... only change one thing at a time. I changed two and it was like starting over with new skates. Where they were softer they were turning where I wasn't used to and my grip was different. 

When I first tried them out I can only describe it as feeling my wheels trying to move independently of each other, in all directions. It was scary. I mentioned this to our Chair and she checked my wheels for me. They were very loose! So I had them tightened and it was immediately better. Helpful note,  if you're going to do some changes or maintenance on your skates take note of all your settings on the various parts before you take them apart. That way you know how tight the bolts and trucks were before you remove them. 

My wheels were better for a bit after tightening them but I was having trouble controlling my edges and I was rolling even when stationary. I wasn't in control of my skates anymore. Things I could do before I was now struggling with. Plow stops and simple stepping, even just holding myself stationary was almost impossible. I knew it was probably to do with my skates but I figured it just me being rubbish and not being able to handle them. I skated like this for two months, I missed a few sessions as well. Some legitimately, but others where I could have gone if I made some adjustments to my schedule. I was disheartened and going to practice felt like submitting myself to two hours of struggle and embarrassment. I wasn't having fun anymore and I didn't want to go.

I went this week though. I was wishing I had an excuse to not go when one of my teammates posted a video to our page on Facebook. It was a simple tutorial on how to use your edges but it got me excited. Thinking of what it would be like to do moves like that. It gave me energy and I headed out to training feeling pretty good about it. I walked in and it was a small group today. I chatted to my friends and we kitted up. Then we noticed the body pads in the middle of the track. You see those block pads and you know it's a blocking session. You also know that it's going to hurt. I was a little deflated, I wasn't that good last time we did this.

We got started off skates, we paired up and began bashing into each other. There are different types of checks. Hip checks where you knock an opponent with your hip from the side, the shoulder check where you dip and come back up driving your shoulder into the legal hit areas. The last is a full body check which is basically a combination of the others. We start off skates and do these different checks. These hurt enough. Repeatedly hitting the same area over and over makes them hurt. It is satisfying to see the person you checked forced to move though. Then we paired up with a coach each, they're sturdier than we are, to do hip checks with a step over. You step one foot between their feet and hip check them out of their space. It's a manoeuvre to move blockers out of the jammers way. I struggled with this. If I think about it too much I get a mental block and can't do it. It also didn't help that I couldn't stop myself rolling even when stationary. I couldn't keep still enough to be able to lift my foot and place it in the coaches space. So we took a skate pit stop. The coach checked my trucks and informed me they were very loose, this paired with my new, softer cushions would make it super difficult to control my edges. The smallest lean and I would be moving. Once these were tightened it I could feel my skates connect back with the track. I was back in control of my skates and immediately I got some confidence back. I wasn't that bad, I just had messed up my skates. I could now step and skate like I was able to before. As I could trust my skates to do what I was expecting I could focus on my hip and shoulder checks instead. It went well! 

We also did a 27 laps in 5 minutes, which is hard anyway but with unruly skates it was disastrous. I dropped 6 laps from my personal best the last time I did it. This time I focused on doing confident laps. I'm 100% the slowest but it's a fear thing. Last year I fainted knees first off a treatment table, it was a hypoglycemia episode, straight onto a stone floor. It cracked my knee cap and badly bruised the bone underneath. It was very painful then and still hurts now if I kneel on it or knock it. So the thought of falling on it is scary. If I damage it more I might need surgery and I don't want that. The smart thing would be to stop playing Derby but I really enjoy it. 

So the fear of landing on my knee mentally stops me from doing skills and tricks I otherwise could probably do. One of my teammates has given me some of her old gaskets which really help. I can kneel on my damaged knee without pain, I haven't risked falling on it yet though. So I took careful laps and worked on my technique with my new wheels and cushions, now they were listening to me. 

The rest of the session we did more blocking but without pads and this hurts. I fell smack on my butt more than once. Checks change your balance so it's easy to fall, especially if you miss or if the person you hit moves or hits you back... 

So my hip is sore from a fall but it's my arms that took a battering. My shoulders hurt from my own checks and then my upper arms hurt from being checked. The impact can pinch softer parts, your bingo wings for example. Digs into a muscle also hurt really badly. It was a great session though. I feel more optimistic about my abilities and ready to get stuck back in and really enjoy every training session again.

This was a long one but I had a lot to process today. I learnt to not compare myself to others, to ask for help if I'm struggling and to face my fears. Life is a learning experience.

L xx

Come find me on Twitter @Laurenailie0