Mental Health Monday #7 -- What I've learnt so far...

March seems like a good time for a check in.

So we're a quarter of the year in, 3 months gone and I feel like I've grown as a person in the steepest learning curve I've ever chosen. It's been amazing.

I'm still practicing my self love. It sounds cringy but even writing things or saying things like 'I'm an awesome person' and not in a sarcastic way, is a huge leap for me. To say things like, 'remember that ex, well I'm so out of his league and so over him' and actually mean it is such a miracle. It's a point I never thought I would get to, a place where I feel like I'm worth something and deserve good things. To those who aren't there yet, keep going, you will get there.

Part of my self love is to not be so hard on myself. I've lost some weight and I'm praising myself for what I done so far and not beating myself for how far I am from my end goal. I'm not the best at Roller Derby but I'm trying. Each session I put on my skates and I push past the fear of falling and the feeling of inadequacy. I'm probably the worst one there but I'm trying to not compare myself to the others. I've only been skating for 6 months and considering how I was on my first session I've come so far! Go me, good job! 

I'm trying to take every situation and find the good stuff in the bad situations. I take the down thought and roll it into a good one. The roller derby comment above is a good example. It's not easy to do all the time and some days it's ok to be sad or tired. Those are rest moments and then I start again the next day. It's not a failure, it's all good self care.

I'm also learning that I can pass on my good vibes. I'm still careful about where I share my energy, there are energy vampires out there who flourish on draining other peoples positive attitudes. Those people I avoid, un-apologetically. I'm not having any negative people in my circle, if that means I'm cutting people off then that's what's happening. It seems harsh but I'm putting my mental health and happiness first. Why wouldn't I want to surround myself only with people who are fun and have my back. The people that are there through thick or thin and you trust completely. Your own personal tribe. There's no more suffering peoples company just to be nice, you know those people that just make you miserable because they're miserable. They spend all day moaning until you find your own day feeling really meh and draining. Those people, they're the ones I'm cutting out and I've noticed my outlook brighten. You don't have to contribute your energy to their vacuum. Each day I feel lighter and free from the heavy stuff that brought me down. It's this that I want to share.

Abi was my first guinea pig. I've known her for nearly 5 years and we've been through a lot, we know some shit about each other. I don't feel judged or awkward when we talk about our anxiety, we've shared similar experiences. She knows I enjoy the spiritual side of life, things like horoscopes and tarot cards. 

Quick note to say that I don't expect everyone to agree or believe, you don't have to. You also don't need to bash other peoples beliefs. If it doesn't hurt them or you then you should mind your own business. Just saying.

In my darkest days I found some relief  and hope in reading my fortune cards and my tarot cards. Reading that things will get better because some magic or just luck said so. I can't explain it but there were some nights where I couldn't sleep until I'd done my cards and read that good things were going to happen. A small promise that tomorrow would be better. In those days it felt like I was in a deep dark hole and each time I did my cards it was as though I was finding a foot hole in the walls of that hole. It sounds dramatic but those who have been there will know what I mean. To get out of that hole you need to dig deep, grit your teeth and prepare to get dirt under your nails as you claw your way up. So yeah tarot cards sound like mystic mumbo jumbo but they helped me and I enjoy them. 

So I forced them on Abi, I've freaked her out before and I quite enjoy watching people squirm when I'm accurate with my readings. I got a proper tarot deck for Christmas so it was the first time I'd done an actual spread for her. It can be quite nerve wracking as people are quick to call it bullshit if it isn't spot on. Abi's not like that but an anxious mind always worries. I read her cards and then we chatted about life. There was tough love as well but I shared my findings, my river and calmness and my un-apologetic culling of negative people. It felt really good to give something back to someone who has helped me for years.

It was lovely when she messaged me later that evening letting me know how much lighter she felt. How clear and calm her mind felt. It's great to help others through what you've been through. Even a day or so after hearing that she still feels so much better and she's putting into practice what I've learnt. It's another good feeling. It sounds crazy but it's working for me, crazy helps crazy I guess haha!

I enjoy the spiritual stuff and there's no harm in believing. If it gets you through and it doesn't hurt you or anyone / anything else then I support you. Be your weird and happy selves!

Blogging has also helped. It's like a journal, a way of emptying out my head and I really love writing. It's good vibes all around. There are good days and bad days with anxiety and depression, today is a good day.

L xx

Ps. as always you can find me on Twitter @Laurenailie0. :)