Mental Health Monday #9

Sharing that positivity.

Evening all! I absolutely meant to write and post this earlier but I procrastinated, what are you going to do! 

Recently I've felt meh about everything, my job, my body, my life, everything. Then I realised I was bored with the routine I'd gotten into and needed a break. It didn't help that I got sick and it zapped my energy. So I used up the last of my holiday (it's due to renew next month so it was use it or lose it) and took this week off. I've got nothing overly exciting planned. I'm going to try to be disciplined enough to go to the gym during the day, hang with my sister before she moves to one of the other British islands and probably most work on content for this blog! 

This is going to be my week to get caught up and organised... there's a good chance that I'm going to do none of that and just watch twitch streams all day but I intend to get organised. I really want to watch a DND stream to see what it's all about and I know that if I fall down that rabbit hole I won't be back for a while. The intention is there though to make use of my time.

The lack of follow through on my plans is not all my fault though. I wanted to add new content the other day but it was hindered by outside forces. I was brave and made a none blog link tweet the other day. Not sure why public posts make me nervous but there you go. I mentioned that I was going to be even braver and post something I've never shared with anyone before. I quite like the idea of sharing my book on here... I'm writing a fiction novel, I have been for more than 10 years. I've restarted it so many times and never finished it once. So I want to post chapters every so often, just to get it out there. It feels like different content and it should be fun. The only hitch is that I can't find my memory stick which has my book on it. I'm currently living out of boxes while my flat is being built but I'm pretty sure I've unpacked it. I've just put it somewhere so safe that even I can't find it. I've looked everywhere so now I'm thinking the universe had hidden it so that I'm forced to write new stuff. That's what I'm going to do tomorrow, probably...

This is  mental health post though so this is that part of the blog. I'm a serial waffler.

Though I'm bored in general, my life is going pretty well. I'm feeling quite positive. I'm still working on being kind to myself and it's doing wonders. I'm also making sure that I pass my positivity onto others. One of my closest friends has been struggling with anxiety, I won't say who in case they don't want it known, and I've been trying to be there for them. There's a lot of pressure to make sure I say the right thing and not make it worse for them. I find it hard to be emotional when I spend so much energy keeping my emotions in check. I hope I'm being a good friend and giving the best advice. I'm trying my best at least, which is all I can do.

Especially when my friends have been amazing over this last month. I've been trying to completely move on from a dating situation that was an absolute disaster last year. I made the mistake of dating a colleague/ friend and they broke it off which in the grand scheme of things wasn't the end of the world. They were dishonest though and then they were the worst friend when I wasn't really over my last relationship which was also awful. Then I was made redundant and my new flat was in jeopardy. So it was a bad time but now I'm much better so it's all good! I persevered and got through it. The reason I mention this is that out of the blue, after months of no contact the guy in question messages me. 

I can't believe my life, I  want to put this guy behind me and never think about him again and here he is asking how I am and telling me he's sorry. It threw me for sure. I bounced between being aggressive and demanding more apologies to being aloof and not wanting to reply. I left that first encounter telling him I didn't want to physically carve his face up with my nails anymore. Sounds extreme but I was really angry and hurt. After that brief conversation I felt a strange lightness. It was as though the hate was gone and I felt nothing towards them anymore.  It was a relief to be finally done with it all. Then today I get another message asking for forgiveness and if we could be friends. I was working out how to tell him that I wasn't interested without being mean when he throws a curve ball straight at my heart and tells me he's lonely. Bam, I suddenly feel like I can't tell him to shove off. My friends and family are telling me to tell him where to go and my anxiety flares up. I'm worried about the implications of letting them back into my life. Does it block me, stop me finding "the one'? I have no interest in dating this guy again btw. Ever.

Or was this my chance to show compassion to someone who doesn't deserve it, where normally I would walk away. I'm trying to put more positive energy out into the world so I agreed to talk to him. I've made it clear though that I'm looking after myself first and foremost. Any signs of him being shady and he's done for good. I'm not sure how I feel about it right now. I'm between feeling like I've gone back a step in my recovery and feeling like I might have grown as a human.

Emotions are complicated but I'm trying o work it out, maybe that's where I'm going wrong. It's something unfathomable...

Phew this was a long one but I've had a lot change going on and I feel like something big is about to happen!

L xx

P.s find me on Twitter @Laurenailie0, help me find my social media courage.