Mental Health Monday #6
Putting my overthinking to good use!
I've mentioned in earlier posts that like most people with anxiety I overthink, literally about everything. Social situations seem to be a large source of my worries. Did I say or do something wrong? Did I handle that right? Am I behaving normally? What are the implications if I do that? Those kind of things. So this weekend was a big social experiment for me. To put myself in a situation that would normally set my anxiety off.
That's not entirely correct though, they are moments where I expect the worst to happen and this makes me anxious. This was my experiment, to go and do the things that worry me and not go with my knee jerk reaction. To change the way my brain processes and not behave in the same way just because that's how I've always reacted. If that makes sense.
I have always wanted to go to Comicon but I've been too shy and insecure / worried about what everyone would think. Now I have friends that want to do these things too and it's exciting, like so many doors are opening. That's not to say that I couldn't do them on my own but despite my social anxiety I do like sharing experiences with other people. Such a complicated human. There were so many situations involved with this weekend that normally would fill me with dread. It began the afternoon of the day before we left. I was excited in the morning, we had made plans to have a chilled night in on the first night. Play board games and maybe have a couple of drinks. People drinking alcohol and getting drunk is a major source of stress for me but I'll come to that in a moment. I felt good about my costume and all the things Kelly, Alex and I talked about doing. Then on my lunch break on the Thursday I did a google search of the convention just to see what was being advertised for the weekend and it hit me that this was the spring event and not the main one I thought it was. I had done my research beforehand, I did know which convention it was but anxiety made me second guess myself. Then I was worried that my friends wouldn't have a good time and it would be my fault. They spent all that money, travelled all that way, dressed up in a costume and went out of their comfort zone and it was all a waste of time. After that rush of worry I didn't want to go anymore. I got back into work and knew I had to bring this up with my friends. I'm lucky that I can trust Kelly to tell me if she doesn't really want to do something. She won't go along with something she doesn't want to do and then resent me later because she did it. She'll tell me what she thinks which is useful, I can shut my anxiety down because I can trust that she means what she says. I've also learnt not to ask questions about things I don't really want an honest answer to. My point is that I try not to seek reassurance for my anxious moments because I don't want to rely on others but on this occasions it was important that I bring it up and not ruminate on it for the rest of the weekend. I told Kelly and she put it exactly how I expected her to. She told me she was excited and even if it was rubbish the main reason she was going was to hang out as friends. Which did put me at ease. I knew we would have fun as a group and even if the convention was rubbish it didn't affect anything else we did. I also mentioned it to Alex and he said pretty much the same thing, he had always wanted to go to Comicon too though.
So that first hurdle was done. The next came thefirst evening when I opted to not go out with Kelly and Alex when they wanted to go out and explore. At this point I fell into old habits. All things surrounding alcohol worries me. The way drunken people are or the way I perceive them to be, loud and out of control. Almost always I'm the sober one and I always end up feeling responsible for them. If the drunk people are getting in trouble then I should have known better and either fixed it or not been involved. I hate being in trouble, I was always known as the goody-two-shoes that never did anything naughty. Even to the point that my cousins would leave me out because they worried I would tell on them. I was a good kid but I wasn't a snitch. I would rather go along and keep them safe rather than tell on them and get them in trouble. I'm off on a tangent again. So yeah, drunken behaviour worries me. There's always the threat / worry of aggression caused by alcohol but mostly it's the increased possibility that someone will throw up. I know this sounds ridiculous but it is a seriously debilitating fear I have. Something as small as hearing someone say they feel sick annoys me because my anxiety in this circumstance shows as irritability. Which makes me look uncaring and horrible, I know this but I can't help it. Hearing someone cough out in public, like on public transport or in a restaurant sets me on edge because what if they get motion sick or they're choking. I hate the sounds it makes, the smell, everything about it is the worst thing ever. I don't know where it came from or why I have it but it is the only thing where I have no control over my emotions. I have found myself backed up against a wall because someone was throwing up on the other side of the corridor and not realising I had moved. They're all situations that cause instant sweaty palms and stress. It's just one of those things where I lose control of my brain. I also find it's one of those things that people just don't understand, it's not the same as being afraid of spiders or heights so people have treated it like a joke. To bring this back round to my point, I fear vomit and vomiting so I also stress about drunken people throwing up and this always causes me concern in social situations. There we go, we found our way back.
So Friday night Kelly and Alex wanted to go out and explore and all I could think was that I was tired, it was late and if they went out and got drunk I would be stuck somewhere outside the hotel sober and left looking after them. Not that I had any reason to think this of them but it's just how my mind works. So I didn't go with them and as always I found myself left behind and wishing I had gone. Especially when they came back and they were tipsy but they were having fun and I felt more left out. It wasn't their fault, they weren't doing anything to make me feel that way. It was all self inflicted and that's what annoyed me more. I made a mental note at that moment that the next night regardless of my physical status I was going with them.
We woke up the next morning and it was time to test out my new self love. I got in my costume and instead of focusing on how I felt my stomach stuck out I focused on making my make up look the way I wanted. I posed for photos and made an effort to stand like I had seen others do and then behave more like myself. I'm not ready to look at the photos that are taken (I trust Kelly to do that) but I don't get the instant rush of feeling uncomfortable when I'm the only person standing for the photo. I posed for photos in the hotel room so we could document our costumes. Then we braved the outdoors, my costume wasn't that conspicuous, I could get away with looking more like a goth. I talked about this in my last post but for the sake of this mental health post I will also mention the thing that surprised me about the Con. It as a huge confidence boost when so many people were recognising our characters and wanting to take pictures with us. I didn't expect anyone to ask us at all. It was a new experience and I had fun, tonnes of fun posing with my friends. I walked around the convention not feeling gross about myself, not stress sweating because I felt uncomfortable and feeling very lighthearted. I've even looked over the photos later that were taken and though there are some where I'm like that's a gross face I'm making or I'm learning what is and isn't my best angle there are more where I can see that I've lost weight and I'm not looking so bad. Which is a big deal for me. Finding images that I can use for profile pictures had always been an anger inducing event. I know it's very shallow to be talking about my appearance and how being thinner makes me feel more confident. I don't like the fact that my self-esteem is so connected to my appearance but that's something to tackle later. For now I don't think learning to love my body is a bad thing by making it healthier, maybe that's something to write through next week!
There were a few more moments where I could practice keeping my worries under control. One was another something that always comes up in my life. I'm a slow walker. I always have been and I suspect that it's not going to change. I can walk at a fairly regular speed when on my own but you put me in a group and I end up lagging at the back. I just can't seem to match pace with other people. This weekend I found myself walking way behind Kelly and Alex and I felt left out. Again this isn't a comment on them at all, they weren't making me feel that way, I was making me feel that way. So I made an effort to not feed the worry that I was frustrating them with my slow walking and not seek reassurance from them that I wasn't annoying them. It was the same in the Aquarium, I made sure that I took time to look at the animals I wanted to see and not worry that my friends were getting annoyed because I wasn't walking with them or that they were having to wait for me. I pleased to report that it worked though! I was more relaxed and actually had fun with my friends. We posed for more silly pictures and joked around. I made myself a part of the outing without worrying that I was interrupting or being annoying and it was great. I'm just going to add it in again here, Kelly and Alex don't make me feel these things, these are just the emotions and reactions I've always had. If they knew I was feeling like that they would have tried to change my mind and it was important that I made myself feel better. I'm all about finding a new perspective and changing my way of thinking.
The biggest moment of realisation was Saturday night when I kept to my promise and went out to a bar with Kelly and Alex. I've spoken about this in my other post but we had drinks, hung out and had a brilliant evening. Instead of sticking with my same old reaction and behaviour (that has always left me feeling sad, stressed and bitter) I decided to do something different to see if it was better. I'm please to report that the different perspective really helped and the grass was greener. This isn't an advocate for getting drunk though, we didn't do that at all. Seriously. I just didn't worry about what might happen and just enjoyed the present moment.
I'm really enjoying this experiment. It's exciting to try something with my anxiety that is actually working for me.I'm being kinder to myself, not sweating the small stuff and finding new ways to do things and I'm feeling much better.
Lxx
P.s Find me on Twitter @LaurenAilie0 or on Instagram with Kelly more for of our gym time @choker-plonker.
I've mentioned in earlier posts that like most people with anxiety I overthink, literally about everything. Social situations seem to be a large source of my worries. Did I say or do something wrong? Did I handle that right? Am I behaving normally? What are the implications if I do that? Those kind of things. So this weekend was a big social experiment for me. To put myself in a situation that would normally set my anxiety off.
That's not entirely correct though, they are moments where I expect the worst to happen and this makes me anxious. This was my experiment, to go and do the things that worry me and not go with my knee jerk reaction. To change the way my brain processes and not behave in the same way just because that's how I've always reacted. If that makes sense.
I have always wanted to go to Comicon but I've been too shy and insecure / worried about what everyone would think. Now I have friends that want to do these things too and it's exciting, like so many doors are opening. That's not to say that I couldn't do them on my own but despite my social anxiety I do like sharing experiences with other people. Such a complicated human. There were so many situations involved with this weekend that normally would fill me with dread. It began the afternoon of the day before we left. I was excited in the morning, we had made plans to have a chilled night in on the first night. Play board games and maybe have a couple of drinks. People drinking alcohol and getting drunk is a major source of stress for me but I'll come to that in a moment. I felt good about my costume and all the things Kelly, Alex and I talked about doing. Then on my lunch break on the Thursday I did a google search of the convention just to see what was being advertised for the weekend and it hit me that this was the spring event and not the main one I thought it was. I had done my research beforehand, I did know which convention it was but anxiety made me second guess myself. Then I was worried that my friends wouldn't have a good time and it would be my fault. They spent all that money, travelled all that way, dressed up in a costume and went out of their comfort zone and it was all a waste of time. After that rush of worry I didn't want to go anymore. I got back into work and knew I had to bring this up with my friends. I'm lucky that I can trust Kelly to tell me if she doesn't really want to do something. She won't go along with something she doesn't want to do and then resent me later because she did it. She'll tell me what she thinks which is useful, I can shut my anxiety down because I can trust that she means what she says. I've also learnt not to ask questions about things I don't really want an honest answer to. My point is that I try not to seek reassurance for my anxious moments because I don't want to rely on others but on this occasions it was important that I bring it up and not ruminate on it for the rest of the weekend. I told Kelly and she put it exactly how I expected her to. She told me she was excited and even if it was rubbish the main reason she was going was to hang out as friends. Which did put me at ease. I knew we would have fun as a group and even if the convention was rubbish it didn't affect anything else we did. I also mentioned it to Alex and he said pretty much the same thing, he had always wanted to go to Comicon too though.
So that first hurdle was done. The next came thefirst evening when I opted to not go out with Kelly and Alex when they wanted to go out and explore. At this point I fell into old habits. All things surrounding alcohol worries me. The way drunken people are or the way I perceive them to be, loud and out of control. Almost always I'm the sober one and I always end up feeling responsible for them. If the drunk people are getting in trouble then I should have known better and either fixed it or not been involved. I hate being in trouble, I was always known as the goody-two-shoes that never did anything naughty. Even to the point that my cousins would leave me out because they worried I would tell on them. I was a good kid but I wasn't a snitch. I would rather go along and keep them safe rather than tell on them and get them in trouble. I'm off on a tangent again. So yeah, drunken behaviour worries me. There's always the threat / worry of aggression caused by alcohol but mostly it's the increased possibility that someone will throw up. I know this sounds ridiculous but it is a seriously debilitating fear I have. Something as small as hearing someone say they feel sick annoys me because my anxiety in this circumstance shows as irritability. Which makes me look uncaring and horrible, I know this but I can't help it. Hearing someone cough out in public, like on public transport or in a restaurant sets me on edge because what if they get motion sick or they're choking. I hate the sounds it makes, the smell, everything about it is the worst thing ever. I don't know where it came from or why I have it but it is the only thing where I have no control over my emotions. I have found myself backed up against a wall because someone was throwing up on the other side of the corridor and not realising I had moved. They're all situations that cause instant sweaty palms and stress. It's just one of those things where I lose control of my brain. I also find it's one of those things that people just don't understand, it's not the same as being afraid of spiders or heights so people have treated it like a joke. To bring this back round to my point, I fear vomit and vomiting so I also stress about drunken people throwing up and this always causes me concern in social situations. There we go, we found our way back.
So Friday night Kelly and Alex wanted to go out and explore and all I could think was that I was tired, it was late and if they went out and got drunk I would be stuck somewhere outside the hotel sober and left looking after them. Not that I had any reason to think this of them but it's just how my mind works. So I didn't go with them and as always I found myself left behind and wishing I had gone. Especially when they came back and they were tipsy but they were having fun and I felt more left out. It wasn't their fault, they weren't doing anything to make me feel that way. It was all self inflicted and that's what annoyed me more. I made a mental note at that moment that the next night regardless of my physical status I was going with them.
We woke up the next morning and it was time to test out my new self love. I got in my costume and instead of focusing on how I felt my stomach stuck out I focused on making my make up look the way I wanted. I posed for photos and made an effort to stand like I had seen others do and then behave more like myself. I'm not ready to look at the photos that are taken (I trust Kelly to do that) but I don't get the instant rush of feeling uncomfortable when I'm the only person standing for the photo. I posed for photos in the hotel room so we could document our costumes. Then we braved the outdoors, my costume wasn't that conspicuous, I could get away with looking more like a goth. I talked about this in my last post but for the sake of this mental health post I will also mention the thing that surprised me about the Con. It as a huge confidence boost when so many people were recognising our characters and wanting to take pictures with us. I didn't expect anyone to ask us at all. It was a new experience and I had fun, tonnes of fun posing with my friends. I walked around the convention not feeling gross about myself, not stress sweating because I felt uncomfortable and feeling very lighthearted. I've even looked over the photos later that were taken and though there are some where I'm like that's a gross face I'm making or I'm learning what is and isn't my best angle there are more where I can see that I've lost weight and I'm not looking so bad. Which is a big deal for me. Finding images that I can use for profile pictures had always been an anger inducing event. I know it's very shallow to be talking about my appearance and how being thinner makes me feel more confident. I don't like the fact that my self-esteem is so connected to my appearance but that's something to tackle later. For now I don't think learning to love my body is a bad thing by making it healthier, maybe that's something to write through next week!
There were a few more moments where I could practice keeping my worries under control. One was another something that always comes up in my life. I'm a slow walker. I always have been and I suspect that it's not going to change. I can walk at a fairly regular speed when on my own but you put me in a group and I end up lagging at the back. I just can't seem to match pace with other people. This weekend I found myself walking way behind Kelly and Alex and I felt left out. Again this isn't a comment on them at all, they weren't making me feel that way, I was making me feel that way. So I made an effort to not feed the worry that I was frustrating them with my slow walking and not seek reassurance from them that I wasn't annoying them. It was the same in the Aquarium, I made sure that I took time to look at the animals I wanted to see and not worry that my friends were getting annoyed because I wasn't walking with them or that they were having to wait for me. I pleased to report that it worked though! I was more relaxed and actually had fun with my friends. We posed for more silly pictures and joked around. I made myself a part of the outing without worrying that I was interrupting or being annoying and it was great. I'm just going to add it in again here, Kelly and Alex don't make me feel these things, these are just the emotions and reactions I've always had. If they knew I was feeling like that they would have tried to change my mind and it was important that I made myself feel better. I'm all about finding a new perspective and changing my way of thinking.
The biggest moment of realisation was Saturday night when I kept to my promise and went out to a bar with Kelly and Alex. I've spoken about this in my other post but we had drinks, hung out and had a brilliant evening. Instead of sticking with my same old reaction and behaviour (that has always left me feeling sad, stressed and bitter) I decided to do something different to see if it was better. I'm please to report that the different perspective really helped and the grass was greener. This isn't an advocate for getting drunk though, we didn't do that at all. Seriously. I just didn't worry about what might happen and just enjoyed the present moment.
I'm really enjoying this experiment. It's exciting to try something with my anxiety that is actually working for me.I'm being kinder to myself, not sweating the small stuff and finding new ways to do things and I'm feeling much better.
Lxx
P.s Find me on Twitter @LaurenAilie0 or on Instagram with Kelly more for of our gym time @choker-plonker.
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