Mental Health Check in - Let's spread kindness.

Hello Chaps,

Can’t believe we’re halfway through the year, genuinely, it’s gone so fast. I feel it’s time for a check in, I know I haven’t done a personal post in a while, but I was finding that I was writing just to get a new post up rather than writing about something I really felt. I don’t want to be that person; I’m posting what I’m interested in rather than what will get the most views. I know that’s not how you play the blogging game but that’s not why I’m writing.

When I look back to the start of the year I’ve come so far from that floundering, lost, human being. Sounds dramatic but it really was like I was drowning. I was in a new job, making new friends, in a new home and living a completely new life it felt.

I had lost who I was in a previous relationship, I’d spend just a year with this person, but it was enough that I didn’t even know how to be myself anymore. When we broke up, I was left scrambling to find someone else, a new relationship so I knew where my place was. I was defining myself by who I was with. I didn’t realise this at the time, two years later and now I can objectively look back and see what happened. I quickly jumped into dating someone else and when that fell apart so did I. Everything, I had pushed down my whole life just erupted out. It was as though everything I knew had been stripped away. The boyfriend of a year wasn’t kind to me when it ended. He left me with a few choice phrases that have haunted my self-worth and body image ever since and this tipped over into the next break up. I call it a breakup, but we were only dating, I just don’t know what else to call it. I’ve mentioned it briefly before, but I fell apart. I didn’t know who I was or how to exist on my own. Facing a future where I felt no one would ever love me and I wouldn’t ever be worth anything. It was a dark and scary time, I was constantly sad, just at a permanent low vibration and nothing could lift me up. I was angry and nasty to the people I loved. I lashed out and tried to cause hurt anywhere I could. It was like holding in a destructive shadow and I didn’t have the strength to do it anymore. So, I didn’t even try. I’m not a crier but back then I could fly into a rage or a flood of tears at the drop of a hat. I know I was vile to be around and to my friends and family I’m so sorry. I was in pain, but I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. It’s strange but I felt ok to talk about this but as I type this my eyes are welling up; I’m healing but clearly, I’m not done quite yet.

I was depressed, maybe I still am who knows, but right now I feel pretty good. At the start of the year if you had told me this is where I would be, I probably would have screamed in your face and threw you out of my room. I wanted to be rescued but I didn’t want help. Sounds crazy right? I still haven’t worked out how to explain it to someone who hasn’t been there, hit rock bottom, the best I have come up with is to tell them that I’ve seen The Edge. Stood on that cliff and looked down into the void. I sat on that ledge with my feet dangling for 6 months. I’m not sure what the turning point was, I can’t remember the moment where I decided I didn’t want to sit in the dark anymore. I just had a moment where I realised that no one else was coming to pick me up. Now that’s a realisation that hurts like hell. As someone who has had to fight their own corner their whole life, call it eldest child syndrome or a skewed perspective (yep, I’ve has those thrown at me when I’ve tried to explain to loved ones) it doesn’t matter. I’ve felt very alone my whole life and I just thought that in my lowest moment that someone would swoop in and save me. It didn’t happen. I like to think of it as being a princess in a tower but instead of waiting to be rescued by a prince (or princess depending on your preference, no judgement) I chose to rescue myself, befriend the dragon and fly away. I’m not a princess, I’m a warrior. I picked my sorry self up and made a choice that if I didn’t know who I was then that was a blank slate to start again and become the person I wanted to be instead. 

I’m a stubborn human, I like to see it as determined, but I was frustrated with my own perpetual bad mood, so I refused to stay like that. I signed up for a gym, I made sure I went to all my Roller Derby practices just to get me out of the house and I tried to do things that occupied my mind. Those moments where I allowed my mind wander were dangerous, they immediately went back to the negative and the downward spiral would begin again. I’m lucky that I had friends that I could go to when I needed a little extra pick up but I’m proud to say that I did this on my own. I just kept going, getting through each day. I’m not saying that asking for help is wrong or weak or anything like that. I just personally couldn’t afford to see a counsellor; the NHS is so overwhelmed that the waiting time for free therapy was too long and the thought of sitting in a room full of strangers was too much with my anxiety where it was. So, I did what I do best, I withdrew to where it was mentally safe and built out from there.

Taking steps forward just made me feel so good about myself, I was making jokes and being sassy at work, I hadn’t laughed in such a long time. It wasn’t as authentic as it could have been, but I was desperately trying to scramble my way back up a slope. I clambered for any hand hold I could and held on for dear life. I got to March, and I was feeling more like myself again but there were moments where I was falling into old behaviours. Have a read of my Spring Comic Con post if you want to read more about that. I worked on those things and promised myself that I would put me first. Not in a way where I hurt anyone else, but I was taking care of my needs as a priority. I still am. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not the best at it. I didn’t go to the gym for two months, I eat cake and I’m the worst at getting to bed at a reasonable hour, but I’m working on it. It’s a work in progress.

I want to start doing the things I’ve always wanted to do but I was worried about other people opinions. Here is a big life lesson, life becomes so much more fun when you stop giving a shit about what other people think. I wear the clothes I want to wear. I’ve lost weight sure, but I did it because I like the way I look when I’m looking fit and strong. I feel more confident about wearing a cropped jumper when I’m not worrying about if I have some belly hang over. That’s just me though, you guys do you.

I went ahead and cut my hair off, I was worried about exposing the roundness of my face and what would I do without my hair to hide behind? I would learn to love the things I was hiding, that’s what. Now I love my hair and I’m going to go back to the hairdresser and ask them to cut it short again instead of letting it grow out.

I said screw it and got more tattoos. I now have a complete sleeve of tattoos and I’ve never felt more beautiful and powerful. 

New me has this newfound confidence and I’m loving it! The freedom is the best feeling ever.

It’s not all rainbows though, the challenges keep coming but I’m learning to go with it and learn. For example…a month or so ago I was feeling pretty good, it’s a fragile position but I’m soldiering on and pretending it’s not as wobbly as it is, when I get a message from the guy I was dating. The one where it all came crashing down, the one that said would be my friend and then hurt me more than anything else had. As part of my recovery I had blocked him on everything all the socials, on my PlayStation, everywhere. It had got to the point where I was afraid to look on my social just in case I saw something about him on there. So, I cut that source of fear away and thought I was safe. Then just as I thought I was in clear a message from him pops up. I remember the feeling of seeing it there. I hadn’t been expecting it, so there was the shock and then the panic. Palpations, sweating, shaking hands. It was like everything I had worked for has been undone. Then I got angry, how dare he do what he did and think he had right to message me after months of no contact. I knew he had just broken up with his new girlfriend and I felt like a booty call. Not that our relationship has got that far but I felt used. I left his message as read for a while and wondered what I needed from this situation. What was the lesson here? I approached it in anger, it was my chance to stand up for myself and have my say. I chewed him up and spat him back out and he took it. He apologised and I stopped replying. He wasn’t getting anything more from me. Then I went back to rebuilding me. Few weeks later he messaged me again, and again I wondered why he was back. I figured that the Universe wanted me to learn something from this. I agreed to let him try to be my friend again and then I was a dick about it. I made it as hard as possible for him to be nice to me. I gave short answers and offered no conversation and I attacked him whenever I could. I offered nothing positive.

I was bobbling through my life with my new friends having a good time, but I couldn’t work out why this guy was back and why I couldn’t get rid of him. Why it was still bothering me. What I did know was that I was tired of being angry and carrying around the hurt feelings. I surrendered, I knew what I had to do to work it out, and it was something I swore I would never do again. I messaged him and apologised. I told him I was sorry because I had promised him that I would give him a chance and I hadn’t. I told him I would try, and we could try to be friends again. Since then we’ve built a friendship and it’s been nice having that connection back. I thought that being a stronger person meant sticking up for myself and shutting out the things that hurt me. I’m learning that it’s more about forgiving those things and not letting the negative emotions win. I’ve come along way and I have further to go.

I’m letting things flow and I’m learning who I want to be. I’m not trying to fit in so much. I’m not someone who enjoys being the centre of attention all the time. I’m the person who’s comfortable in my own company and enjoys sitting quietly. I’m not shy, I just prefer meaningful conversations about things I’m interested in. I won’t be rude to people and everyone is welcome to their own opinions, but I won’t join in just to hear my own voice. I’m an observer.

Things are really looking up though. The wheels are turning, and good things are coming along, I feel it in my bones!

I saved up for more than a year and now within the next few days I’m moving into an apartment that I have bought for myself, not renting, I’m a homeowner. Official grown up, bought a fridge and everything. I’m living by myself and I’m so comfortable and ready for that. Yes, the loneliness terrifies me, but I’ll be ok. If not, I have friends I can call or the communities on the internet to keep me company. Minus any trolls.

This flat is my fresh start and my freedom. It’s my space to decorate and discover what my style is and I’m super excited to see what that looks like. I’m so excited to work out who I am, who I am becoming.

I want to post some furniture upcycling photos / blog when I get around to it. I’m a little worried about how it will go down but it’s something I want to do so I’m just going to do it. Equally I’m loving doing the tarot readings. I get a buzz from doing them and I really, really hope that the people that read them do get something good out of them. I was thinking about maybe uploading them onto YouTube, try something new creatively. There are so many avenues I want to explore in my life right now that I don’t know where to begin.  

Oh yeah! I’m also doing something else I’ve always wanted to try; I’m starting a Dungeons and Dragons campaign with my friends! Super nerdy but I don’t’ care. I’m excited. I spent hours on my character already, I can’t wait to play. If you could see me, I’m doing a little excited dance.

It’s a little scary to approach the rest of the year without a plan, watching the path appear beneath my feet as I take each step but it’s also exciting. I just have this feeling that something amazing is coming and by the end of the year it will all be different again. I’ll let you know.

I’m doing my best to approach everything with love and positivity. I believe that positivity brings more positivity and if everyone could just be kind to one another the world would be a much nicer place. Social media has become such a dark space with people attacking each other, attacking strangers, over stuff that just isn’t their own business. I don’t understand it. That’s a big old topic though.

I know this is a long post, so I won’t waffle anymore. I’ll leave it here for now and subtly hint that maybe you should check out your tarot reading for this month if you want, or follow me on Instagram (@Lauren_Ailie) and wish you all the positivity and kindness as I send good vibes and love to you.

L xx