Mental Health Monday

Feeling Zen

I've been to the gym, I've not had a tonne of biscuits, I ate healthy snacks and better meals and I've been trying to get more sleep. As I sit here waiting for my peppermint tea to cool I'm feeling pretty good. Gotta love those exercise endorphins. 

I was going to write this whilst at the gym, pedalling my way to the body of a goddess but the wifi was shocking. Is there anything more frustrating than slow internet? Probably plenty but I'm guiltily part of the age of technology, So I planned it in my head instead... and took some videos. 

With the fast approaching holiday that you either love or hate, Valentines, I figured it would be a good week to talk about self-esteem a little more.

Yes, this new life of fitness I'm leading is in part me wanting to feel fitter and more agile, it also has a basis in vanity. I want to feel attractive and confident. I can't remember ever not having bingo wings and a tyre of fat around my waist. They have been in various levels of chubby for as long as I can remember, the last time I didn't worry about my appearance was probably when I was around 8 or 9. My point is that for a long time I've worried about the way I look and felt less than beautiful. A lot of that is definitely down to me and my own self criticism. The chub and acne in my teen years didn't help for sure but I pick at everything. I can't look at myself and not see the extra weight in my arms or the marks on my face and point them out. When if I actually looked at myself as a whole and made an effort to look for good things, I would feel better. I think I do see myself as bigger than I am. Mirrors / reflective surfaces are dangerous. I hope I'm not the only  person who feels ok about themselves and then they see their reflection in a shop window or pass a mirror for example and you look 10 times bigger than you felt seconds ago. Then your whole day is ruined. On the other hand I can have days when I'm feeling awesome and powerful and ready to strut my confidence for the world to see. It's a tiresome balancing act. 

I have found, for me personally, that I feel more confident and better about myself when I can tell I've made some fitness progress. It's an achievement that I'm proud of and it does lift my spirits. 

I'm doing it properly though with a good diet and regular exercise. I'm not skipping meals, I couldn't even if I wanted to as I have a condition that's a bit like diabetes. I'm trying to eat better and drink more water. I am finding though that if I miss a gym day I do feel guilty and then like I've piled the pounds back on. I'm working on not getting obsessed and stressed about my gym days. Physical health and mental health is what this year is about!. Self confidence is a nice side effect of improving those things.

Especially as I approach Valentines day without the prospect of a Valentine. For the first year in a long time I'm not sad about it. I'm loving myself at the moment and I'm enjoying it, it's an enlightening experience, realising that I'm perfectly happy being alone. It's one of those situations where I feel like I should be bothered more by it but I'm not, maybe I'm just growing up? I was never the pretty girl that had the secret admirer or someone boys and then men approach and chat up. I'm still not, but Kelly has suggested that this is because of my resting bitch face. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, this Valentines, whilst it would be nice to have someone and go on a date, I'm not crushed by the fact that I probably won't. I have a friend date planned with Kelly and it will be awesome i'm sure. I'm also not trying to find someone and I have been someone who has been actively searched for their soulmate in every situation. Stressful and disappointing. 

So as I grow as a human and learn to love myself, as cliche as it is to say, I'm also learning that feeling beautiful and powerful will need to come from me before I can believe it from someone else. Going deep today. Equally if your self worth comes from the appreciation of others you leave yourself open to have your confidence pulled from you if the outside world throws negativity your way. So all in all the solid and unshakable self worth needs to come from within. Rather than just preaching this out into the internet I'm going to practice this too, goddess knows I'm very unkind to myself. Every time I catch myself thinking something negative I'm going to spin it and turn it into something nice. Make an effort to think kindly about myself, give myself praise and see how that works out. I'll start now and let you know in a weeks time if it made a difference. 

L xx

P.s you can find me on Twitter @LaurenAilie0 or on Instagram with Kelly @chonker-plonker if you want to see our fitness journey in more detail. She's better at photos than me haha!