Mental Health Monday

Living in my head.

I've tried to write this several times, wrote a paragraph and then started again. I can't put the words in my head into text on a screen. I haven't posted for a few days for the same reason, feeling like i'm forcing words, conversation, just for the sake of conversation. I get like this sometimes and I wonder if it's part of my overthinking and if that's part of the anxiety. Feeling like I'm forcing myself to participate when I have nothing to say. I'm spending a lot of  time in my own head but it's comfortable here. 

I take these moments of being an introvert as a chance for introspection. I'm enjoying my own company and the silence. It's peaceful. It's my chance to feel calmer and just listen in the background, just be happy to feel invisible and be left alone. To quiet the feeling of chaos that's been building up and just sort through the thoughts and worries that have been gathering. I've read many articles and books about how to deal with overthinking and anxiety and one visual I found helpful was picturing my thoughts like a river. I'm most relaxed when I can be outside and just sit amongst nature. The fresh air and sounds of birds singing or a gentle river. Like a river, sometimes the thoughts flow gently and are only ankle deep other times they flow fast and you can be close to drowning. Anxiety can be like trying to stop the flow of a river and holding on to a particular negative thought or emotion that creates a dam that gathers more bad things until you're overwhelmed. Then learning to let go and let the thoughts flow past you. You can appreciate them as they go past, experience them, but let them go as quickly as they came. To remain still and peacefully let the energies, thoughts and feelings move by you. You can't control what goes on around you but you can control how you react to them. Become a water bender (sorry nerd reference, I'm more of a earth bender myself).

That might not be scientific enough for some people or a bit too philosophical but I understand what it's saying and it works for me. When life is getting a bit too much for me, when actually there is nothing wrong, I retreat back to my mental river and just calmly let it flow by. 

Recently, without realising it, I've let a lot of worries and just unfinished thoughts build up which was giving me a feeling of anxiety on a daily basis. A knot in my stomach that tells me there is something to worry about even though I can't pin point what that thing is. This feeling grows until it turns into a full melt down. To use the river analogy again, every worry or emotion that I've pushed to one side is like a stick in the river. One or two isn't too bad but over time they add up and eventually stop the flow of the river until it bursts through. So recently I've found myself forced to sit quietly by a lack of energy, being a listener and absorbing the world around me rather than participating.Simply pulling apart the mental dam of thoughts and squashed emotions and deciding whether to just let them go or if they need to be dealt with. A mental de-clutter and I feel so much better for it. Little by little I'm feeling lighter and more peaceful.

Again I can't thank my friends enough. I know I've been selfish recently, my lack of emotional energy making me emotionally unavailable and I haven't been able to get it together enough to really be there even when you've needed me. As always Abi is there to let me mind dump to her. To run my crazy by her and have her confirm that thought it is crazy I'm not alone and we're crazy together. Kelly as well and as always, brightens my day. I don't know what I would do if she stopped sending me the 6 -10 videos I get everyday of her lip-syncing to me. They are very special to me XD, i'll share one of these master pieces below. 

Clearing the blockages does start a rush of thoughts and as I practice on letting them flow through me it can be hard to grasp a thought or hold a conversation. There is so much going in my head it's like the rush of water and it can be hard to make a cohesive sentence. I've read through this post several more times that I usually would have just to make sure I'm not rambling and that it all makes as much sense as I can muster. It's definitely time that I wrap this up. 

I hope this helps someone to calm their own mental river.

L xx

Ps. As always you can find me on Twitter @LaurenAilie0 or on Instagram @ Chonker-Plonker to see what Kelly and I have been getting up to at the gym. I'm officially one month in to my gym transformation and I intend to post some update photos!